/* comment out errors added */

  • share

Share page to other media

Lisa’s List Of Do's & Don’ts Of 2015


1. Restaurants, DON’T give me take out food without forks, knives and napkins. Don't yall hate that?? People kill me doing that. Restaurants assume you’re going home with the food so you can use your own forks. First of all restaurants, stop playing games, you wanna keep your cutlery to stretch the supply and save money from having to buy more stock, 2nd of all, don't assume we are going home. We might be eating in our car or going to work, or a friends house. 3rd of all, so the ‘cluck’ what if we're going home, we may want to eat with your plastic fork because we don't wanna do dishes or we might wanna collect your cheap little plastic wear for a rainy day. Either way, we paid for the food so the forks and knives are paid for too. Stop playin! Idiots!!

2. If you are cooking for Thanksgiving and you’re making #StoveTopStuffing, canned or frozen #CollardGreens and #Stringbeans, #KraftMacaroniAndCheese, DON’T invite me!! Lose my number!! Because I will NOT be RSVP’ing for that sloppy, bootleg mess!! I don’t play that!! Who does that?? In my #TamarBraxton voice, “get-cha life!!” Everything on the Thanksgiving Day menu should be cooked from scratch!! THE SAME DAY!! Nope, I don’t do leftovers on gobble gobble day either!! So don’t play that lazy game of cooking and freezing your food the day before or the week before, then warm it up on turkey day; I’m not feeling that either!! #DISASTER!! Thanksgiving happens once a year, so if you plan on hosting ‘din din’ at your house, commit to going hard in the kitchen! THAT’S IT & THAT's ALL!! Luckily for me, I went to my cousin Arenda’s house to get my eat and TRUST, “err thang” was uber fresh! She can burn!!

3. Speaking of the holidays, DO re-gift!! But make sure you don't make a mistake and re-gift a present and give it back to the person who gave it to you. That would be embarrassing!! I'm cool with re-gifting a gift that I don't want OR getting a gift I love from a person who didn't want it. But if I open the box and see a gift that I GAVE YOU, that would beeeee, aaaaa DISASTER!! It would hurt my feelings. Not that you didn’t like it but that you didn’t tell me or just return it behind my back. That’s why I really don’t give gifts to people for Christmas, birthdays or anything!! Because you really don’t ever know what they want. So I prefer to take a person to their favorite restaurant for diner as their gift. That way, we both enjoy it.

4. This don’t is one of my biggest pet peeves!! IDIOTS, DON’T get a dog and then give it away because you moved into an apartment that doesn’t take pets!! You have a pet so why don’t you narrow your search to apartments that accept pets!!?? If you wouldn’t give your child away because the apartment doesn’t take kids, THEN DON’T DO IT WITH YOUR DOG!! Dogs are just as dependent on you as your child!! Secondly, DON’T leave your dog home for a thousand years without food!! Are you serious!!?? Understand one thing, dogs are forever babies. If you wouldn't leave a child home a lone and hungry for hours, then don't do it to a dog, because it's just as abusive!! If you can’t be responsible for a dog, THEN DON’T GET A DOG!! A friend of mine was shocked when she tried to adopt a dog from the ASPCA and they rejected her application because they determined that her schedule was too inconsistent to care for a dog. That’s not shocking to me. It makes total sense!! I'm a dog lover and I don't have a dog for a reason, BECAUSE I CAN’T MAKE A LIFETIME COMMITMENT!! People kill me getting pets and when it's no longer convenient, they get rid of them. YOU PEOPLE WHO DO THAT, ARE MONSTERS!!

5. Not gonna name names, but people kill me crying up a blue streak at the funeral, when a "loved one" dies suddenly, but when the person was alive, they treated them like ish!! What is that phony mess about?? What kind of game is that ‘MOTHERCLUCKER’ playing?? DOOOO they think WE forgot?? To me, that is the ultimate in disrespect!! DON’T act like you loved me when I'm dead, but you gave me your natural a_s to kiss when I was alive!! Better yet, DON’T even attend the funeral with that bootleg energy!! OMG is it only me???

6. Parents DON’T Send Your Kids To School Looking Crazy & Stank!! Who does that?? What the hell is wrong with people?? There is NO reason why little kids should be sent to school looking like, skanks, #MileyCyrus; well, I guess that's one in the same thing, LOL, strippers, blinged out rappers, drugged out rock stars, and broke down porn stars!!!

Maybe I'm old school but little grammar school boys SHOULD NOT be rocking earrings in either ear like a bootleg Baby from #CashMoneyMillionaires; NO, NO, NO and NO!!!

> Little kids SHOULD NOT be allowed to dye their hair like they're a model in a Loreal Commercial!!!

> Little boys SHOULD NOT BE SAGGING PERIOD.com, that's a nasty #DISASTER #PeeeeU!! Hell, grown men shouldn’t either but you aren’t the boss of grown folks.

> Little grammar school & high girls SHOULD NOT be wearing poom poom shorts with their butt cheeks dripping from the bottom, dropping it like it's cold!! LOL!!

> Little girls SHOULD NOT be half naked, backing that thang up like they're on a stripper pole, trying to make it rain!!

> Little girls SHOULD NOT be dressed like Madonna in her hay day, from her Truth Or Dare video.

#STOP IT!! STOP IT Parents!! Y'all need to get yourselves together!! Your children are not your friends!! So when they want to wear age INAPPROPRIATE fashions, your answer should beeeeeee, #NOOOOOOWA!! No to the tenth power!! No in 40 languages!! Just good old fashioned, NO!! That’s it and that’s all!!

Your children deserve an education, not a place on #AmericasNextTopModel!! #OMG is it me!!

7. People, DON’T invite me to your child’s kiddy party if you aren’t gonna have grown folks food!! I Don’t eat #HotPockets! I Don’t eat #CornDogs! I Don’t eat #TaterTots! I Don’t eat #HotDogs!! And I Don’t eat fake pizza like #Dominos, #LittleCaesars, or #PappaJohns! If the menu ain’t #FriedChicken, #CollardGreens, #StringBeans, #PotatoSalad, #BlackRice, #Rice&Peas, #StewChicken, #KaleSalad, you know, REAL FOOD, then DON’T send me an invite!! Yes, I like children, but if I have to sit through watching a bunch of kids stuff hot dogs up their nose and crying because they can’t have more ice cream, yall have to make it worth my while!! LOL!! And serving a little libation might motivate me to show up on time!! LOL. To my #Single, #ChildFree folks, #OMG, is it ONLY ME??

8. #Really!!?? Really!!?? Really #UPS Man? You delivered a package to my house, from Macy's no doubt, and just left it on the "motherclucking" porch, in plain sight, for the thieves, #crackheads, criminals or kleptomaniacs to steal!!?? DO you smoke??? LOL. What a ‘clucking’ #disaster!! #IDIOT!!

9. Speaking of the hood, one thing I DO love about the hood is you can pull over on the side of the road and buy fruit on the street. Mmmmm, so fresh and so sweet sweet sweet!! LOL. However, mobile produce is not a strong enough reason for me to stay in the hood!! When I make my first million, I’M SO GONE!! I’M JUST SAYING!! LOL!

10. Ladies, if you meet an unemployed man, toss his number in the dumpster!! Cause if you DON’T, that fool's broke, hungry a_s, will be hanging on your nipple, sucking it dry, like a new born baby, in the fetal position!! #AintNobodyGotTimeForThat!! LOL. DON’T be so #thirsty!! Be a queen, not a ride or die chick!!

11. Ooooo, I have a great tip when you call companies and get automated responses. When you DON’T want to speak with a machine, all you need to DO is press 00, 00 and keep pressing it through all the prompts and it will eventually forward you to an agent or representative.


12. People DON’T move into a job!! You know what I mean?? You know those people?? The ones who pimp out their cubical?? They have a couch in their cubicle. A refrigerator in their cubical. A TV in their cubical. A microwave oven in their cubical. Pictures of their entire family dating back to slavery in their cubical. LOL. I can go on and on til the break of dawn but you get the point. Cause what's gonna happen when you get fired!!?? I’ll tell you what’s gonna happen, you’re “ignant” a_s is gonna have to move out!! Which wiiiill…beeee…embarrassing!! So DON’T have plants, pictures, dishes, teddy bears, whatnots, balloons, chadeliers or anything ‘all up in thu’ your cubical!! Women tend to be guiltier than men with this stupid mess. When you leave you job at the end of each day, it should be like it’s your last day. I’m just sayin!!

13. Men kill me calling women nasty who performed "freaky" sexual acts on them, but yet THEY participated in the act. Soooooooooo, doesn't nasty beget nasty??? Soooooo a man can get his freak on and it's cool, but when a women does, she's nasty??? Really?? See that's that ‘man ish’ I DON’T like!! I advise women not to date men, who treat other women like that because they are low-minded, little boys, who sexually exploit women. Ladies you know what I'm talkin about right?? Gentlemen, you know your boys are Wack right?? OMG, is it me??

14. This DO is a rhetorical question: Why DO women think that men are domestic dummies?? That kind of thinking lets men off the hook! So ladies, STOP saying that your child's father, is home "babysitting" the kid/s. NO, YOUR BABY DADDY IS NOT BABYSITTING HIS OWN CHILD!!! He's doing his job!! Babysitting is a choice!! Parents CAN'T babysit their children!! You NEVER hear a man say the mother is home babysitting the child. When I hear women say that it makes my #BrainBleed!! So I'm on a crusade to stop US from saying it!! It's just dumb!! Every time a woman tells me her child's father is babysitting the kid/s, I offer her some new language, 'NO, your child's father is home WITH the kids, he's not babysitting!! Some women embrace it and others look at me like I have 14 heads. Ladies, just walk out the door and leave your kids home with the father, just like he does YOU when he needs to go somewhere.

Additionally, Ladies, DON’T leave a list of things for your man to do when you’re leaving the house or going out of town and he’s staying home with the kids!! Again, he’s not a Domestic Dummy!! He’ll figure it out!! DON’T remind him about little Johnny’s class trip or poetry recital. If he misses those events and the kid cries up a blue streak, then little Johnny needs to take that up with his father, NOT YOU! When you forget stuff, you take the bullet!! So why can’t the dad??? Ladies, DON’T remind your man what to take when he’s chaperoning little Suzie’s play dates!! If he forgets something like packing diapers or an extra set of clothes in the diaper bag and the child pees and poops everywhere, again, he will figure it out!! You do!! If not, kids bounce good!! The child will survive! Men are very comfortable with YOU being the mother, so allow the father to be the father!! Again, he’s not a #DomesticDummy!! NO, he’s not going to do things YOUR WAY!! So what?? As long as the child is safe and well taken care of, LET IT GO!!! However, if you super women insist on being both the mother and the father, knock yourselves out!! But as #DrPhil​ says, “how’s that working for ya??” #DISASTER!! OMG is it me??

15. This do is a rhetorical question: Why the HELL DO women run their husband’s phones for numbers in order to chase down their penis???” Women who are hungry for a man, have low self-esteem, no self-worth and need to lay of several ‘couches!!! Ok, a woman in my close circle, told me that some woman in her mid 50’s, who’s husband did some electrical contracting work for her, called her at 11:37pm at night saying; “hello, did somebody call my husband from this number??” This old goat should be ashamed of herself! Clearly she feels that the man has more value than her. It’s 2015, when is this ignorant cycle gonna be broken? it’s making my brain bleed! We are no longer property of men!! So woman should feel that she’s the prize!! But when the woman is busy chasing the man, it’s clear that she feels worthless!! I’m gonna go on a limb and say that a woman like this grew up watching he mother doing the same thing. Fankly, both the woman and the man should be running toward each other. That’s what a good, respectful, relationship should be about; mutual love!! So I’m not judjing the old battleaxe, I’m making an observation. And my conclusion is, she’s hit rock bottom and doesn’t seem to have a clue how to get back up and regain her self respect. The reality is, she can chase that bum until her legs break!! But he’s still gonna pass his penis around like a coctain wiener!! LOL. And if he’s really nasty, he’s passing it around like government cheese!! LOL. Either way, begging a man ain’t cute!!

16. "Ok, what's up with men arching their eyebrows?? I don’t mind a well groomed man but I DON’T want a man who wants a coupon for waxing as a stocking stuffer. LOL. Metro-Sexuals concern me." Men, DON’T arch your eyebrows. If I have to explain it any further, lose my number!! LOL.




17. Speaking of men, there’s a new trend in men's fashion, 'meggings??" Men leggings?? LOL. Disaster!! I DON’T like it!! That’s not a fashion don’t, that’s a fashion DO NOT!! Guys, would you wear Meggings?? Ladies would you be ok with your man wearing meggins? If my man took a shower, got dressed and came out in meggings, not only would I look at him with a ‘crooked eye,’ he would be soooo done!! That ‘ish’ cra!!’ LOL.






18. I'm not trying to be rude but personal trainers DON’T be fat!! If you want me as a client, you have to look right and tight! Not like you have a lifetime membership to KFC!! LOL. Would you hire a fat personal trainer?? OMG is it only me???








19. DON’T ever use #CrestProHealthToothpaste because it will ‘cluck’ your entire mouth up!! After I'd brush my teeth with it, unbeknownst to me, some kind of nasty white stuff flies out of my mouth and lands on my lips as I talk. People would tell me, "there's something on your lip." Embarrassing!! I'd run in the bathroom to check and when I'd pull my lip out to look at my gums, clumps and clumps of white stuff would be everywhere!! On my tongue, on the inside of my cheeks. I don't know what the hell that is, but it only happens to me when I use Crest Pro Health. Maybe it's too strong and I'm getting some kind of reaction where it's shredding a layer of my skin. Either way, I'm done!! Crest Pro Health is fired!! OMG Is It Only Me?? Is there a dentist out there who can shed some light on what the issue might be??

20. Speaking of teeth, here’s a tip, DON’T brush your teeth up and down. It will expose your nerves and you'll have sensitive teeth to hot and cold. DO brush side to side with a soft head toothbrush. PS: The only soft head I want, is on my toothbrush!! LOL.


21. DO eat cherries!! They are a natural laxative. I buy a thousand pounds of the real black ones and eat them all in one sitting. Well not actually a thousand pounds, but maybe about 4 pounds. As soon as I finish the last one, I count down, and 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and I’m sitting on the porcelain thrown!! LOL!! Whew!! What a relief!! LOL.

Leave a comment

Make sure you enter all the required information, indicated by an asterisk (*). HTML code is not allowed.


Stay in touch with Lisa Durden's updates.